REPARENTING YOURSELF FOR A BRIGHTER TOMORROW (Paperback)

Introduction

We all remember those scraped knees and the soothing kisses from our parents that somehow made the pain go away. But what if those soothing kisses were missing? What if, instead of loving guidance, your childhood was marked by confusion, neglect, or even hurt? Those invisible wounds don't simply disappear as we grow up; they can linger, shaping our behavior, relationships, and sense of self-worth.

Enter reparenting.

Once upon a time, "reparenting" might have been a term you heard exclusively in therapy sessions. It could be likened to a therapist playing the role of a loving parent for a client who had experienced a difficult childhood, maybe filled with neglect or mistreatment. Imagine a professional wearing a parental hat, extending the understanding, empathy, and guidance that might have been lacking during those formative years.

But times have changed, and so has our understanding of reparenting. Today, we realize that reparenting isn't confined to a therapist's office, much like exercise isn't limited to the gym.

Think of reparenting as creating a recipe of care for yourself that was never handed down to you. It's like learning to cook a nutritious meal when you've only ever been fed junk food. It's about learning to give yourself the sustenance, love, and attention that you might not have received as a child.

This transformation from a therapeutic tool to a personal, empowering journey allows you to become your own nurturing mom or supportive dad. You learn to comfort and protect your inner child, who might still be carrying those old wounds. Some refer to this as self-parenting or self-reparenting.

In the pages that follow, we'll delve into the beautiful world of reparenting with practical examples like learning to say no when you're overburdened, much like a caring parent would prevent a child from taking on too much. We'll explore how to celebrate your successes, even the small ones, as a loving parent would proudly applaud a child's first steps or well-done homework.

Every chapter will guide you through relatable, hands-on strategies, and reflective exercises to build a wholesome, loving relationship with yourself. You'll discover how to become your own hero, just as a child looks up to a parent as a superhero. You'll learn to rewrite your story, not as a tale of hurt and loss but as an empowering journey of self-love, compassion, and growth.

Reparenting isn't about dwelling on past sorrows or pointing fingers. It's about embracing your power to heal, grow, and love yourself in ways you've always deserved but perhaps never experienced. It's about becoming the parent you needed and being there for yourself in every way. As you turn these pages, you take the first step toward rewriting your story, and I'm here to guide you every step of the way. Welcome to the journey of reparenting; welcome to the journey of rediscovering yourself.

WHAT DO WE MEAN BY OUR “INNER CHILD?”

If you've heard the term "inner child" and let out a groan, picturing some new-agey, touchy-feely jargon, trust me, I get it. The term gets tossed around so much it might sound like something off a bumper sticker. But bear with me as we peel back the layers and get to the heart of what this really means. It's not as far out as you might think. 

From the moment we took our first breath as newborns, our surroundings have been shaping us, just like you shape Play-Doh - through our family, teachers, friends, babysitters, and even the nice old lady next door who always had cookies ready. Every person we've met, every event we've experienced, all the victories and mistakes, they've all left a mark on us. 

As kids, we're like sponges, soaking up the world around us - the words, the feelings, the behaviors. We don't always remember every single thing - like what color socks our second-grade teacher wore on Wednesdays. But all these experiences, big and small, get filed away in our subconscious mind and imprinted on our very beings. 

Picture your mind like a giant, invisible scrapbook. Each moment, each interaction gets tucked away in there, like pictures and mementos of your past. That's your inner child - the sum of all these influences and experiences from your formative years. It's like a little time traveler from your past, continuing to live within you, often subtly influencing your thoughts, feelings, and actions in the present.  

Your inner child is the echo of your childhood self, a reflection of the child you once were. It's like the rings inside a tree trunk, bearing the marks of the past seasons, each telling its own story.  

So, the next time you hear "inner child," instead of rolling your eyes, think of it as your personal archive of childhood experiences. It's not just some fancy term, but a real, profound part of who you are. And paying attention to it can help you understand yourself in ways that might just surprise you. 

Imagine your subconscious mind as a massive storage room. It's packed with all the imprints from your childhood – stuff you might not even remember consciously but has left its mark. These are the experiences that make up your "inner child," like an invisible backpack of memories and emotions you've been carrying around since you were a small child. 

You're an adult now, sure. But nestled within you is this young child version of you who's still nursing a few scrapes and bruises. Maybe it's from that time you were picked last for dodgeball in third grade or when you felt overlooked because your parents were always busy. These little wounds, however hidden or forgotten, can linger on. Your inner child wants what any kid wants: to be noticed, to be heard, and to be loved unconditionally.  

And here's the thing: just like you'd soothe a crying child or bandage a scraped knee, your inner child needs your tender, loving care. It needs your understanding, your compassion, and your reassurance. It's about recognizing that little one inside you and telling them, "Hey, I see you. I hear you. I'm here for you." That's the key to healing those old wounds and letting your inner child know it's safe, loved, and cherished. And who knows? In taking care of your inner child, you might just find a deeper, richer connection with your present, adult self. 

WHAT DOES REPARENTING INVOLVE?

Reparenting is a sort of emotional archaeology. You're diving into the depths of your inner self, exploring the old needs, fears, memories, and tales of your inner child. But you're not just digging up the past for a stroll down memory lane. You're doing it from your adult vantage point, with all the wisdom, understanding, and maturity you've gathered over the years.

Let's say as a child, you were always picked last for team sports in school, and that left a dent in your confidence. Your inner child may still carry that fear of rejection. As an adult, you might get anxious or defensive when you feel overlooked or unchosen, whether it's in your personal relationships or at work. This is where reparenting comes in.

Through reparenting, you can revisit that old memory from your current, grown-up perspective. Maybe you'll realize that being picked last in gym class had more to do with your classmates' love for competitive sports than your worthiness. You'll see that it doesn't define your value as a person or your abilities in other areas.

By offering these fresh perspectives, you can soothe your inner child's old wounds and fears, effectively saying, "Hey, it's okay, we turned out alright." It's about rewriting the old scripts and changing how you react to triggers in your present life (check out my book on triggers for a deep dive into what triggers are all about).

In essence, reparenting is like being the understanding, compassionate parent your inner child needs, helping them make sense of their past from a more mature and forgiving perspective. It's about nurturing your inner child so you can move forward with more resilience, confidence, and emotional balance.

Reparenting, in a nutshell, is about retracing your steps back to childhood, figuring out what you needed but didn't get, and then learning how to provide that for yourself now. It's about becoming your own cheerleader, your own wise counsel, your own caring parent.

But here's the twist. To truly do that, you also need to unlearn some stuff. You know, the stuff that's been hanging around like old cobwebs in the corners of your mind. These are the limiting beliefs and feelings that you might have picked up when you were just a kid—misconceptions about safety, love, and self-worth.

For instance, if you grew up in a home where affection was sparingly given, you might have unconsciously linked love with scarcity. You might find yourself clutching at relationships tightly or fearing that love can disappear at any moment. Through reparenting, you'd work on unlearning this belief and learning that love isn't a limited resource, but abundant and freely available.

It's a bit like unlearning bad habits in playing a musical instrument. It requires patience and a gentle, non-judgmental attitude.

While it can be super helpful to have a professional co-pilot (like a therapist) guiding you on this journey, the driver's seat is always yours. You can start this adventure on your own if you're up for it. And remember, it's okay to ask for directions or take pit stops. After all, every epic journey takes time and comes with its own set of challenges and triumphs.