RECLAIMING YOUR AUTHENTICITY (Paperback)

Introduction

“Just be yourself”, or more recently, "You do you" is advice that's thrown around a lot, especially when you're gearing up for important things like say a job interview or mustering up the courage to ask someone to the local dance. It sounds simple on the surface, but let me tell you, it can get pretty confusing in reality. It’s not easy trying to figure out who exactly this 'you' is. 

You approach a situation and you ask yourself, "Should I just be myself?" But then you start wondering, what if the real me isn't what others are expecting? What if being true to myself isn't the magic formula for landing that awesome job, for instance, or impressing that special someone? Suddenly, a new strategy starts to make sense: figure out what everyone else wants me to be and act accordingly. Sounds pretty smart, doesn't it? Well, I used to think so too. 

Let's say you're going for that new job interview, and you're convinced that being a super outgoing and bubbly person is what they're looking for. So, you put on this exaggerated personality, force yourself to be overly enthusiastic, and start cracking jokes left and right during the interview. But deep down, it feels like you're wearing a mask, and it's exhausting trying to be someone you're not. 

And what about that person you really like? You've heard they're into someone who's into all the latest trends and styles. So, you go out of your way to dress a certain way, talk about the things they're interested in, and pretend to be someone you think they'll find impressive. But it's a constant charade, and you can't help but wonder if they'd like the real you. 

Basically, pretending to be someone you're not might seem like a smart idea at first, but it hardly ever makes you truly happy or successful. It's tiring, fake, and won't last in the long run. Of course, there may be occasions when you have to adjust or act a certain way, but it should never make you sacrifice who you really are. 

That’s because there’s a real danger that in altering your core beliefs or pretending to be someone you're not, depending on who's around, you will run the risk of losing sight of your true self.  

But, when you let go of the need to please everyone else and focus on being the best version of yourself, that's when the magic happens. You'll attract the right opportunities, connect with people who appreciate you for who you are, and achieve things that truly matter to you. 

The problem is, being yourself isn't as simple as flicking a switch or making a sudden decision. It's not like waking up one morning and saying, "Hey, today I'm going to be 100% me," as if your true self was stashed away in the depths of your closet next to your old gym clothes, waiting for the perfect moment to make an appearance. Nope, it's a gradual journey that unfolds through the small choices we make each day.  

As a therapist, I see people dealing with this problem all the time. Imagine my office like a real-life Instagram feed, but instead of everyone appearing flawless and having everything figured out, they're all on a mission to uncover who they truly are, just like you. So, don't for one minute think you're the only one struggling while everyone else appears to have it all under control. The truth is, they're also going through the same journey of self-discovery as you. 

Discovering your authentic self is like solving a puzzle. Each day, you get to choose which puzzle piece to add next, slowly building the bigger picture. Some days, you might explore different interests and passions. Maybe you try out a new hobby or step outside your comfort zone to see what resonates with you. On other days, you might face setbacks or encounter pieces that don't fit right away. That's normal. It's all part of the process. 

Being authentic isn't about having everything figured out or presenting a perfect version of yourself to the world. It's about embracing the messy, imperfect journey of self-discovery and giving yourself the freedom to explore and grow. The key is to be kind to yourself and understand that finding your true identity takes time. It's okay to stumble and make mistakes along the way. Those experiences contribute to your growth and help shape the person you're becoming. 

Instead of comparing yourself to others, embrace the fact that everyone is on their own unique path. Just like you, they're figuring it out as they go. Trust that in due time, you'll piece together the puzzle of your authentic self, unveiling a genuine picture that reflects who you truly are. 

In the pages that follow, we’ll delve deeper into the intricacies of self-discovery, the struggles that come with it, and the potential rewards that await. We'll unpack some tools and strategies that can help make this journey a little less overwhelming. Remember, there's no one-size-fits-all solution to self-discovery. It's a deeply personal journey that's as unique as you are. So, as you read on, bear in mind that it's not a race. It's a continuous exploration of becoming more you. By the end, I hope you'll be inspired to approach your own journey with more curiosity, compassion, and most importantly, authenticity. After all, being true to yourself is the best gift you can give to yourself and the world. 

What is the self? Who are we?

Before we dive deeper into figuring out who we really are, let's take a minute to chat about what "self" really means.  

It may surprise you to learn that we actually have two senses of self. Two ways of being. We have our "conceptualized self", and we have our "self-as-context". I know that sounds confusing but I’ll straighten out the difference with examples and I’ll steer clear of psychological jargon throughout the rest of the book.  

Think of the "conceptualized self" as the story you've been telling yourself about who you are. It's sort of like your own ongoing memoir that you've been writing in your head, based on all your beliefs, how you see yourself, and how you judge yourself. It's like the cast of characters you play in your life story, such as being a parent, a career-driven professional, or maybe even a weekend runner. It also includes the traits you believe you have, like being a quiet thinker, a big-hearted friend, or a logical problem solver. Plus, it encompasses how you rate yourself in different areas, like believing you're a rockstar in the boardroom while conceding that in the kitchen you're more likely to burn salad than make a gourmet meal. 

This self-story weaves in your life history and the conclusions you've drawn from your past. For example, if you've tried launching a couple of businesses that didn't pan out, you might conclude, "I'm a person who's just destined to fail at working for myself." 

Now, this self-story gives us a constant identity. It helps us make sense of our place in the world and provides a certain level of comfort in its consistency. But it can also become a bit of a straitjacket. Take for instance if you've written yourself off as "not athletic". You might skip out on a pick-up game of basketball with friends or a weekend hike, activities that you might actually enjoy and are good for your health. Basically, clinging to our self-story can keep us stuck in our ways, even when branching out could lead to personal growth or better well-being. 

Moreover, when our self-story doesn't quite match up with the real world, it can cause a heap of emotional stress. Imagine if you see yourself as a high achiever, but you've hit a rough patch with a string of failures. It's like a wake-up call that could really shake you up and cause a lot of distress. 

Your "conceptualized self", in essence, forms a big part of who you think you are. 

Now, the "self-as-context" or "observing self" is a bit different from the "conceptualized self". Instead of being the self that's made up of all your thoughts, beliefs, and evaluations, the "observing self" is the part of you that just notices, observes, and experiences things. 

Imagine you're sitting in a movie theater, and your life is the movie. The "observing self" is like the part of you that's just sitting back, munching on popcorn, and watching the film, without getting caught up in the plot, the drama, or the action. It's there just to observe and experience, not to judge or get entangled in the story. 

The "observing self" is always there, quietly noticing your thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and experiences. It doesn't judge or get hooked by them; it just notices them, like sitting by a peaceful stream quietly observing the leaves floating by. 

Now, this can be super handy, especially if you're going through a rough patch or an existential crisis. When your "conceptualized self" starts playing dramatic scenes like "I'm a failure because I didn't achieve this specific goal by now," or "I'm not successful because my dreams haven't panned out exactly as I wanted," the "observing self" can help provide a different perspective. 

You see, the "observing self" can notice these thoughts and feelings without buying into them or getting swept away by them. It allows you to say, "Huh, I notice I'm having the thought that I'm a failure," rather than, "I am a failure." 

The "observing self" is like a sturdy anchor in the storm of thoughts and feelings. It allows you to observe without getting overwhelmed, which can be incredibly liberating and healing, especially during times of stress or crisis. It helps you see that you're more than your present struggles or the limiting stories you tell yourself. You're a constant, observing presence that can experience these things without being defined by them. And this perspective can bring about greater resilience, flexibility, and ultimately, peace. 

Let’s run through this again because it’s a really important point to grasp. 

Think of the "conceptualized self" as the "Storytelling Self" or "Narrative Self". This is because it involves the stories we tell ourselves about who we are, our abilities, our roles, and our past experiences. 

The "self-as-context" could be called the "Observing Self" or "Watcher Self". This represents the aspect of us that is capable of stepping back and observing our thoughts, feelings, and experiences without judgment or getting tangled in them.  

We all live our lives according to our personal history, thoughts, beliefs, and experiences. We are all, basically, storytellers. Our sense of self is our autobiography. But we all have a watcher inside of us. A sense of being able to calmly, rationally, step back from ourselves and observe what we’re doing at any given moment.  

Picture going to a theater. The stage is set, ready for the evening's performance. Throughout the course of the evening, different actors will come and go, delivering their lines and portraying their characters. There might be a melodrama, a comedy, a romance, or an action sequence. The actors might play different roles, change costumes, or even alter the stage props to fit the story. 

The "conceptualized self" is like those actors and the scenes they perform. It represents the different roles you play in your life—parent, friend, employee, hobbyist—and the experiences, emotions, and thoughts you have in each of those roles. Just as an actor may play a king in one scene and a pauper in the next, you might feel confident and capable at work but anxious and uncertain in a social situation. These changing roles and feelings are all part of the play of your life, the narrative that makes up your "conceptualized self." 

Now, let's consider the stage itself. No matter what scene is being played out, the stage remains the same. It's always there, providing the space where the play unfolds. It observes all the actions, emotions, and scene changes but isn't changed or defined by them. After the king leaves and the pauper comes on, the props and scenery may change but the stage itself doesn't. It doesn’t become a palace or a poorhouse. It just remains a stage. 

That's what the "self-as-context" is like. It's the consistent, unchanging backdrop to all your experiences, thoughts, and emotions. It's the "you" that's there observing and experiencing your life, no matter what role you're playing or what feelings you're having. It's not defined by any particular experience, thought, or feeling, just as the stage isn't defined by any particular scene. Even as your roles, thoughts, and feelings change, your "self-as-context" remains the same, providing a sense of continuity and stability amid the flux of your daily life. 

In this way, the "self-as-context" gives us a deeper, more constant sense of identity. It enables us to recognize that we're more than just the roles we play or the thoughts and feelings we have. We're also the conscious, observing presence that experiences all these things without being defined or limited by them. This recognition can help us to maintain a sense of balance and perspective amid the ups and downs of our life, like a stage that remains steady and unchanging no matter what play is being performed on it. 

To sum this up; Most of us spend the majority of our time thinking about ourselves based on the stories we tell ourselves about who we are. These stories are like a mental scrapbook that we've put together over time, filled with all kinds of things — from memories of our past, the roles we play (like being a parent or an artist), what we've achieved or messed up, to our dreams and values. This scrapbook is our "conceptualized self". 

We use this scrapbook to help us understand ourselves and navigate the world. It's like having a map that shows us who we are and where we fit in. But sometimes, we can get so caught up in this map that we forget it's not the only way to see ourselves. We can cling to it so tightly that we resist any changes, avoid things that don't match up with our self-image, or feel upset when life throws us a curveball that doesn't fit into our story. 

That's why it can be really helpful to also tap into the other part of ourselves, the "self-as-context". The part of us that can step back and observe everything, including our stories about ourselves. By connecting with this observer self, we can learn to be more flexible and resilient and navigate life's ups and downs with more ease and wisdom. 

For the moment, though, we need a fuller understanding of our "conceptualized self" because that’s our day-to-day sense of who we are and it’s the story we tell ourselves of how we got to be who we are. 

We’ll look at how to identify more with our observer self later in the book.