STOP DOUBTING YOURSELF (Paperback)

Introduction

Ever found yourself in a loop of self-doubt and criticism? Perhaps, you've been giving yourself a hard time just for being, well, you. Or you're constantly dragging yourself down because you think you don't quite measure up when it comes to brains, wit, looks, or success. Ever look at others and convince yourself they're not fans of you? If this sounds familiar, don't sweat it—we've all been there! It's like having a little critic in your head that won't give you a break.

Imagine you're at a party, and you try to tell a joke, but you mess it up. No big deal, right? But instead of laughing it off, your mind starts racing with thoughts like, "I'm so dumb. Why did I even try? Everyone must think I'm ridiculous."

And before you know it, you've talked yourself into believing that you're the only one in the room who doesn't have it together. It's like your mind has gone from "Oops, I messed up a joke" to "I'm a total failure, and everyone knows it."

But here's the thing: those thoughts aren't facts. They're just stories you're telling yourself. And the more you listen to them, the more you start to believe them.

Think about it. If you had a friend who was always putting themselves down, you'd probably tell them to be kinder to themselves, right? You'd remind them that everyone makes mistakes and that it doesn't mean they're worthless or unlovable.

Well, the same goes for you. Those mean thoughts you have about yourself aren't the truth. They're like a bad habit, and with some practice, you can learn to change them.

It's about recognizing when you're being overly harsh on yourself and then taking a step back. Instead of getting sucked into those negative thoughts, you can start to challenge them. Ask yourself, "Is this really true? Would I talk to a friend like this? What's a kinder way to look at this situation?"

It might feel strange at first, but with time, you can learn to be your own cheerleader instead of your own critic.

Imagine how much lighter and happier you'd feel if you could let go of those negative stories and start treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you offer to others. It's like giving yourself permission to be human and make mistakes without beating yourself up about it.

Remember, those negative thoughts in your head are just that - thoughts. They're not facts, and you don't have to believe them. You have the power to change the way you talk to yourself, and in doing so, you can create a more positive and loving relationship with yourself. It's like learning to be your own best friend, and that's a friendship that will support you through thick and thin.

In the following pages, we'll explore ways to break free from this pattern. We'll start by looking at the stories we've created in our own minds about ourselves and how we talk to ourselves on a daily basis. We'll also delve into the thinking traps we fall into and look at strategies for nurturing a more positive and compassionate self-talk that will enhance our overall well-being. So, let's dive right in and get started, shall we?

OUR STORIES ABOUT OURSELVES

We all have a story in our heads about who we are. It's like a mini-biography that includes not just basic facts like our name and age, but also what we like to do, who our friends are, our dreams, and much more. 

You can think of this story as a "user guide" to yourself. It helps you understand what makes you tick and can even help you explain yourself to others. 

Let's say you love painting. That's a big part of your story. It's not just about what you do; it's a window into who you are. It shows people what gets you excited and passionate. 

But it's important not to get stuck in this story. It's not set in stone, and it shouldn't trap you. It should be something that can change and grow with you. 

Take, for example, if you always thought of yourself as a shy person. Then one day, you take a comedy class and find out you're funny and love being in front of people. That changes your story a bit, doesn't it? It's like discovering a new part of yourself. 

By not getting too hung up on the story you've told yourself, you can be open to new experiences and grow as a person. You're not just locked into one version of yourself. 

If you hold onto your story too tightly, you might end up stuck, thinking that the story in your head is all there is to you. But that's not true! We're all more complex and interesting than just one story. By keeping an open mind, you can learn more about yourself and keep becoming the person you want to be. 

Imagine you've got this idea in your head that you're a total failure. You keep telling yourself that you're no good, you're not attractive, and everything's just a mess. The more you think this way, the more you start to believe it's true. 

These negative thoughts can start to rule your life. Maybe you don't go after a job you want because you think you're not good enough. Or you keep your opinions to yourself because you think nobody cares what you have to say. You might even avoid people or situations where you might be judged or criticized. 

By thinking this way, you're holding yourself back. You're not giving yourself a chance to see what you can really do. It's like you're trapped in a story about yourself that's just not true. 

But here's the good news: you can change that story. You can start focusing on what's good about you instead of what's bad. You can learn to see yourself in a more positive light. 

In the next part, we'll talk about ways to turn around these negative thoughts. We'll look at how to break free from the story that's holding you back and build a new one that helps you be your best self. 

But we also need to be careful not to go too far the other way. It's great to be positive about yourself, but it's not good to think you can do everything on your own. 

Thinking you have to do everything by yourself might stop you from asking friends or family for help when you need it. This can make you feel lonely and worn out if you push too hard. 

It's awesome to be able to take care of yourself, but don't forget that sometimes we all need a little help from others. It's good to be independent, but it's okay to ask for a hand when you're in a jam. Finding the right balance makes life better and richer. It's like saying, "I can do stuff on my own, but I know my friends and family have my back when I hit a rough spot." 

In the next part, we'll talk about how to find that balance in the way we talk to ourselves. We'll learn to cheer ourselves on but also admit when we need some support. That way, we build a better and stronger understanding of who we are, which includes both our strong points and times when we need help from others. 

Imagine a friend who's always the one everyone goes to with their problems. They've taken on the role of being the listener, the advice-giver, the "therapist" among their pals. That becomes their thing, and they feel like it's their job to be there for everyone. 

But what if they start to feel worn out and drained from always being the shoulder to cry on? They might feel trapped because they've told themselves that they always have to be the strong one, the helper. 

They might even start thinking, "I'm supposed to be the one who helps, so I can't be the one who needs help. I've got to keep pushing." But if they keep going down this road, they could end up feeling tired, stressed, and even a bit resentful. 

The lesson here is that if we let one idea about ourselves take over, it can steer us in the wrong direction. We need to remember that it's okay to be both strong and vulnerable, independent and connected. That way, we create a fuller, more realistic picture of who we are, and we can live our lives more authentically and happily. 

Here's how to get out of a negative cycle. By really paying attention to the stories we tell ourselves—whether they're good, bad, or somewhere in between—we can notice when we're holding on to something that's getting in the way of living life to the fullest. 

Take this example: Maybe you've told yourself that you don't have what it takes to chase your dream of making music. Whenever you think about taking music lessons or joining a band, that negative story in your head tells you that you're not good enough. As a result, you never give yourself a chance to explore your musical side. 

But by really listening to this story in your head, you can start to question it. Ask yourself, "Is this really true?" or "What's the evidence for this?" You can even look for positive experiences that contradict this downer story. As you let go of this limiting belief, you open up new opportunities for personal growth and happiness. 

In the next part, we'll explore some ways to be more aware of these stories and figure out how to spot the ones that might be holding us back. We'll find ways to let go of the stuff that's not helping us so we can live a more authentic and exciting life. 

Quick Break: Reflect on Your Story 

Take a moment to think about the main story that's playing in your head right now. What are the main parts of it? The trick is to let this story float around without holding on to it too tightly. Ask yourself, "Is there anything here I could let go of?" 

For instance, maybe your story is all about being a perfectionist. You're always pushing yourself to be perfect in everything you do. Sure, that drive might have helped you succeed at times, but it might also be causing a lot of stress and fear of failure. 

As you go about your day, notice when that perfectionist story is cranking up your stress or stopping you from taking a chance. Ask yourself, "Can I ease up a bit? Can I give myself permission to make mistakes and learn from them?" 

By identifying these parts of your story and consciously choosing to let go of them, you make space for growth and a healthy dose of self-love. It's not about throwing away the whole story, but about letting go of the parts that aren't helping you anymore or that might be getting in your way. It's like cleaning out your closet and keeping only the clothes that fit you just right. 

OUR INNER VOICE 

We all have this little voice inside our heads, whether we're aware of it or not. It's like a constant companion, providing us with an internal running commentary throughout our days. We call it "self-talk" or our very own monologue. 

Now, don't expect this inner voice to sound as soothing as the legendary David Attenborough narrating a nature documentary. No, it's usually not that serene. But hey, we all have it, and it's a significant part of our inner world. 

Sometimes, this internal voice can be a source of support and affirmation. It cheers us on, eases our anxieties, and celebrates our victories. It's like having a personal cheerleader in our heads. But, let's be honest, there are also times when this inner chatter takes a negative turn. It becomes self-defeating, critical, and even a bit of a bully. 

Our inner voice is shaped by a combination of conscious and unconscious thoughts, beliefs, ideas, memories, and experiences. It's a reflection of our unique perspectives and the sum of everything we've encountered in life. Additionally, our evolutionary history has wired our brains to be hypersensitive to potential risks, which influences our inner voice (more on this in a moment). 

Say you have to give a presentation at work. If you're telling yourself, "I've got this! I'm going to rock this presentation!", then you're pumping yourself up and getting ready to do a great job. This kind of positive self-talk can boost your confidence and help you perform at your best. 

But if you're thinking, "I'm going to mess this up. Everyone's going to think I'm an idiot," that's going to make you nervous and could mess up your performance. 

In the next part, we're going to look at how this inner voice works and why our brains are always on the lookout for problems. Once we understand that, we can learn how to change our self-talk to be more positive and supportive. It's like having a personal cheerleader inside your head, helping you feel good about yourself. 

Pause Button: Tune into Your Inner Chatter 

Let's take a moment to think about how we talk to ourselves. Sometimes we're our own cheerleaders, but other times we can be really hard on ourselves, way more than we would be on anyone else. 

How are you talking to yourself right now? Are you being kind and understanding, or are you beating yourself up? Maybe you're even thinking about how you should have realized this self-talk thing sooner. 

It's really important to stop and pay attention to how we talk to ourselves, without being judgmental. If you catch yourself being hard on yourself, you can take a step back and remind yourself that learning and understanding takes time. It's never too late to be more positive and supportive with yourself. 

In the next part of this journey, we're going to learn how to turn that negative self-talk around. We'll get hands-on with ways to be more compassionate with ourselves, challenge those negative thoughts, and replace them with positive pep talks. Doing this can make us feel better, act more positively, and just make life better all around. 

So, as you continue on, don't forget to be nice to yourself. Remember that understanding yourself isn't something that happens overnight; it takes effort and time. Embrace the chance to turn your self-talk into something that makes you feel good and lifts you up in every part of your life. It's like being your own personal cheerleader!