Introduction
"You don’t have to be positive all the time. It’s perfectly okay to feel sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared and anxious. Having feelings doesn’t make you a negative person. It makes you human."
- Lori Deschene
Emotional pain is a type of hurt that doesn't come from a physical injury. It's an ache in the heart or soul rather than the body, and it can be triggered by various things in life. Sometimes, this kind of pain comes from how other people treat us. Harsh words, betrayal, or bullying can lead to feelings of hurt and sorrow. Other times, emotional pain stems from personal experiences like regret over past mistakes, grieving a loss, or the pain of a broken relationship.
In some instances, emotional pain might even be tied to mental health conditions like depression or anxiety. These are complex illnesses that can create a deep and lasting sense of distress, often affecting how a person thinks, feels, and behaves.
What's essential to understand is that emotional pain is very real and can have a massive impact on life. It's not something abstract or imaginary; it's a tangible experience that can be as intense and debilitating as physical pain. This kind of pain can affect everything from how you feel about yourself to how you interact with others, your work, or even your enjoyment of hobbies and pastimes.
Despite its significance, emotional pain is often brushed aside or minimized. Some people might think it's not as "real" or serious as physical pain, but that's a misunderstanding. Emotional pain can be linked to various common feelings like sadness, frustration, anger, or fear. These emotions are part of our human experience, but when they become overwhelming or chronic, they can turn into a real source of suffering.
What's more, emotional pain isn't just confined to the mind. It can manifest in the body as well, causing physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches, or even chronic pain conditions. The connection between emotional and physical pain isn't just anecdotal; research has shown that they might share neurological pathways, as both are linked to changes in specific areas of the brain like the prefrontal cortex and cingulate cortex.
The idea that emotional and physical pain might be part of a broader spectrum of pain is gaining traction among researchers. Rather than treating them as separate phenomena, some experts argue that they exist on a continuum. Sometimes, the pain is purely physical, like a broken bone. Other times, it's entirely emotional, such as the heartache from a failed relationship. Often, it's a complex mix of both, with psychological distress contributing to or worsening physical ailments.
Recognizing the gravity and complexity of emotional pain is crucial. It's not something to be ignored or trivialized. Understanding emotional pain as a genuine, multifaceted experience not only validates those who suffer from it but also opens up pathways to compassion, empathy, and effective self-care.
At some point, we will all feel emotional pain. It’s an inevitable part of life. My job is to minimize the suffering that comes with it. Which is why I wrote this book.
Everyone experiences pain, and everyone hurts
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
- Plato
Over the years, working as a counselor, I have helped so many people who I would describe as being in a state of constant suffering because of the emotional pain that they were experiencing. Emotional pain often involves feelings like deep sadness, grief, anger, anxiety, fear, guilt, shame, jealousy, frustration, loneliness, or even despair. But emotional pain also comes from the elusiveness of happiness, the disappointment of falling short of others' expectations, the void left by an inability to find contentment, the yearning for genuine connections, the hunger for validation that, sadly, remains unsatisfied, and the stifling state of living inauthentically.
So many of us dare to dream big but find ourselves confined to living small. So many find themselves relentlessly bombarded by the slings and arrows of life until they become numb to it all. The ways in which emotional pain can manifest in our lives can seem infinite.
And experiencing emotional pain, over a prolonged period of time is the very definition of suffering. We all want a life free from pain and suffering. We are all engaged in the pursuit of happiness and the avoidance of pain.
Unfortunately, though, pain is unavoidable. Suffering, on the other hand, isn’t. Suffering is optional. Hard to believe isn’t it?
Well, I have been studying and practicing psychology for a long time and I talk to people every day about their pain, which means that I can share ideas with you that have been proven effective through scientific studies. In this book, I want to discuss how trying to fight your pain can actually make it worse. I want to show you better ways to understand and deal with your pain.
I also want to show you how society, culture, peer pressure, and different influences like family, friends, media, advertising, and even the government can unintentionally push you into a never-ending battle against your pain that just wastes your time and energy.
We’ll look at creating some distance from overwhelming thoughts and emotions, giving you a handle on your pain, and showing you how to reduce and even eliminate your suffering. Then we will discuss how to move forward with your life by uncovering what is most important to you, your values, and how you can discover and act on them. We will explore ways to understand what truly matters in your life. By gaining a clearer understanding of what truly matters to you, you can navigate your path with a greater sense of purpose and resilience.
In doing so, you can regain the wisdom that already resides within you and find the truth you've been searching for. It's like discovering a key that sets you free. Ultimately, isn't that what we all want? To find our own truth, to feel liberated from burdens, and to live a life that feels genuine and fulfilling. Throughout our journey, we'll uncover ways to unlock that inner wisdom and truth, empowering you to live a more authentic and meaningful life, free from suffering.
Two arrows and an angry samurai
“The mind is a universe and can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.”
- John Milton
There is a teaching found in some Buddhist traditions, often attributed to the Buddha himself, known as the concept of the second arrow. It refers to the idea that when we experience pain in life, there are two types of pain involved: the first arrow and the second arrow.
The first arrow comes from the unavoidable pain that we all experience which comes from external circumstances or events. It could be physical pain, illness, loss, or any other form of adversity that is part of the human condition. This first arrow is something we cannot escape, as it is an unavoidable and inevitable part of life.
The second arrow, however, represents the suffering that comes from our response to the first arrow. It refers to the mental and emotional pain that is added on top of the initial pain due to our reactions, judgments, and resistance to the experience. This secondary suffering is often self-inflicted and unnecessary.
The concept of the second arrow is a way of understanding how we can make our problems worse by how we react to them. Let's say something bad or painful happens to us—like not getting that job we wanted so badly, or going through the heartbreak of a breakup. That's the first arrow, which is the unavoidable pain or difficulty we experience in life.
But sometimes, we add to that pain by how we think about it and react to it. We might start blaming ourselves, feeling guilty, or thinking we're not good enough. We might dwell on the problem and keep replaying it in our minds, making ourselves feel worse. That's the second arrow—the suffering we create for ourselves on top of the original problem.
The concept of the second arrow reminds us that we have a say in how we respond to the pain and challenges we face. While we can't always control what happens to us, we do have control over how we react. We can either make things worse by inflicting a second arrow with our own thoughts and reactions, or we can choose a different path.
To illustrate this different path, let's look at the second arrow, and how we can deflect it.
Heaven and Hell: A Zen Parable
Once, a tough and brawny samurai approached a Zen master who was immersed in deep meditation. Impatient and discourteous, the samurai, known for his forceful yelling, demanded, "Tell me the nature of heaven and hell."
As the Zen master opened his eyes and met the samurai's gaze, he responded with a certain disdain, "Why should I dignify a shabby, disgusting, and despondent slob like you with an answer? Do you, a mere worm, believe I should waste my words on someone like you? Your presence is unbearable. Leave my sight! I have no time for such trivial inquiries."
Unable to tolerate these insults, the samurai was consumed by rage. He swiftly drew his sword, ready to sever the master's head in one swift strike.
Yet, in that very moment, the Zen master, with unwavering serenity, gazed directly into the samurai's eyes and tenderly uttered, "That, my friend, is hell."
The samurai stood frozen, a profound realization sweeping over him. In that moment, he recognized the tight grip of anger that had consumed him, creating his own personal hell. Resentment, hatred, self-defense, and fury had taken him over and had driven him to the brink of taking a life.
Tears welled up in the samurai's eyes as he set his sword aside, his heart softened by the weight of his realization. With humility and gratitude, he joined his palms together and bowed, expressing deep appreciation for the profound insight he had gained.
The Zen master, with a gentle smile and a sense of understanding, softly spoke, "And in that surrender, my friend, lies heaven."
There’s a difference between being caught up in a feeling and recognizing that we're being carried away by it. The samurai's realization was like a sudden awakening. It reminded him that he didn't have to let his anger control him.
The parable of Heaven and Hell teaches us something important about our thoughts and emotions. It encourages us to pay attention to our own mind and notice how our thoughts and feelings can make us suffer.
In the story, we learn that our suffering is not only caused by what happens to us but also by how we react to it. When we get caught up in our thoughts and emotions it can make our suffering even worse.
The Ancients Knew a Thing or Two About Suffering
The ancient philosophers spent a lot of time thinking about suffering and why it exists in our lives. They knew that pain, difficulties, and tough times are part of being human. They realized that everyone goes through challenging experiences, and it's something we can't avoid.
These ancient thinkers wanted to understand the reasons behind suffering. They looked at things like our desires, how outside circumstances affect us, and how our own thoughts and feelings play a role. By figuring out the causes of suffering, they wanted to find ways to make it better.
Their wisdom is still important today because it gives us insights into how to deal with suffering. The ancient philosophers believed in building inner strength, examining our own attitudes and reactions, and not letting things we can't control bring us down. They thought it was important to think about ourselves, be aware of our thoughts and feelings, and develop qualities that make us strong inside.
This is where modern, cutting-edge therapy meets ancient wisdom. I’m talking about the best therapy I have ever used to alleviate suffering: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) connects with the ancient wisdom about suffering. It understands that suffering is a normal part of life, just like the ancient philosophers did. They knew that everyone goes through tough times and feels pain.
ACT teaches us to be aware of our thoughts and feelings, which is similar to what the ancient thinkers said about self-reflection. It's about paying attention to what's happening inside us. ACT also tells us to accept our inner experiences without judging or fighting against them. We learn to let them be, just as they are.
ACT and ancient philosophy both talk about looking at things differently. ACT helps us change how we think and feel about our thoughts and emotions. It teaches us that they come and go and don't define us. Similarly, ancient wisdom tells us to examine our reactions and let go of rigid beliefs and judgments.
ACT also focuses on personal growth and finding meaning, just like the ancient thinkers did. It encourages us to think about what really matters to us and take actions that align with those values. By doing this, we can find purpose and fulfillment in our lives, which can help ease our suffering.
ACT connects with ancient wisdom by teaching us to be aware of our thoughts and feelings, accept them without judgment, see things from a different perspective, and find meaning in our lives. These are all tools that can help us navigate our suffering and live a more fulfilling life.
In this book, we’ll look at the human condition, look at why there is so much pain and suffering, and then we’ll look at what we can do about it. I have been able to help so many people by applying the wisdom of our greatest philosophers with the techniques of our most successful modern therapies. We’ll unpack this bold assertion throughout this book, but in an easy to understand and jargon-free manner. So, without further ado, let’s get after it.
