INNER CALM, OUTER STRENGTH

Introduction

Are you someone who always wants things to be perfect and gets frustrated when they're not? Do you sometimes say or do things in the heat of the moment without really thinking about the consequences? Maybe when things get difficult, you tend to isolate yourself from others. Or perhaps you rely on things like food, alcohol, or other substances to help you deal with stress. And do you often feel a heavy sense of shame weighing you down? If any of these sound familiar, then what we're talking about in this chapter is definitely going to be helpful for you.

We're diving into the topic of self-regulation, which is all about learning how to better manage our emotions and reactions. It's about finding healthier ways to cope with stress and handle difficult situations. The goal is to move away from those impulsive, knee-jerk reactions and instead respond in a more thoughtful and controlled way.

For example, let's say you're someone who tends to fly off the handle when you're angry. Instead of letting your anger get the best of you, self-regulation techniques can help you take a step back, take a deep breath, and think things through before you react. It's about giving yourself that pause to make a more rational and considered response.

By practicing self-regulation, we can break free from those unhealthy patterns and find healthier ways to cope with stress and manage our emotions. It's all about gaining more control over our reactions and creating a sense of balance in our lives. Self-regulation is, in essence, self-control.

So, if you're ready to shake off those old habits, take back control of your emotions, and find new ways to handle life's challenges, then this book has got your back.

TAKING CONTROL OF YOUR EMOTIONS

So, What is Self-Regulation?

Another way to describe self-regulation in everyday language is "taking control of your emotions." It refers to the ability to manage and control your own feelings, thoughts, and actions in order to maintain a sense of balance and well-being. It means being aware of your emotions, understanding them, and making choices that help you stay calm and in control, even in challenging situations. Self-regulation is about being in charge of how you respond to different situations and not letting your emotions dictate your actions.

Self-regulation is a skill that doesn't always come naturally to everyone, myself included. If you've often grappled with anxiety or faced challenges similar to the ones I just mentioned, it's a clear sign that your regulation skills could use some conscious care and attention.

Think of it as honing a skill that can greatly enhance your overall well-being and quality of life. Just like learning to play an instrument or mastering a new sport, self-regulation requires practice and dedication. And the good news is that with time and effort, you can develop and strengthen this essential skill.

By gaining a deeper understanding of your triggers, emotions, and responses, you can learn to navigate challenging situations with greater composure.

Self-regulation, especially when it comes to our emotions, is all about being able to control and manage how we feel. It's like having a volume knob for our emotions that we can turn down when things get too intense. It helps us bring ourselves back to a comfortable zone known as the "window of tolerance."

When we practice emotional self-regulation, we're basically learning how to calm ourselves down when we're feeling overwhelmed or upset. It's like having a toolbox full of techniques that we can use to dial down the intensity of our emotions and find balance again.

For example, let's say you're feeling really angry about something. Instead of exploding in a fit of rage, you can use self-regulation techniques like taking deep breaths, counting to ten, or stepping away from the situation for a moment to cool down. These strategies help you bring your emotions back within that window of tolerance where you can think more clearly and respond in a way that's more helpful and constructive.

The goal of self-regulation is to avoid getting stuck in extreme emotional states that can make it hard to think straight or make good decisions. It's about finding that sweet spot where we can handle life's ups and downs with a sense of balance and control.

Emotional self-regulation is our personal superpower. Think of it as our internal thermostat that adjusts the heat of our emotions, keeping them within a comfort zone, often referred to in psychology as the "window of tolerance."

The "window of tolerance" is a comfort zone for how we handle our emotions and deal with stress. It's a range of feelings where we can stay calm and adapt to whatever comes our way. When we're in this zone, we can think clearly, make good choices, and keep our emotions in check. It helps us maintain stable emotional well-being and have healthy relationships.

Sometimes in life, things can push us out of this zone. If we get too worked up (hyperarousal), we might react strongly with anger, anxiety, or impulsiveness. On the other hand, if we shut down (hypoarousal), we might feel numb or withdraw emotionally.

Many things can influence our window of tolerance, like past experiences, our relationships, and how stressed we are. It's unique to each person and can change over time.

Understanding our window of tolerance can help us recognize when we're feeling overwhelmed or triggered. It also helps us develop strategies to regulate our emotions and expand our comfort zone. It's a way to be more understanding and empathetic towards others who may have different reactions to stress.

When our emotions start to blaze like a roaring bonfire, or, on the other end of the spectrum, dwindle like embers in the wind, our emotional self-regulation kicks in. It's like a mental bucket of water or emotional kindling that nudges our feelings back into a manageable, comfortable zone.

Think of developing a mental thermostat like controlling your emotions, similar to how a thermostat controls the temperature in a room. We learn this skill mainly from our parents or caregivers through something called co-regulation.

Imagine you're a child trying to ride a bike for the first time. Your parent is right there with you, holding onto the back of the bike and guiding you as you pedal. They're giving you just enough help to stay balanced and prevent you from falling. As you get better at it, your parent slowly lets go, letting you ride on your own.

In this situation, your parent is co-regulating with you. They're giving you emotional support and guidance while you're dealing with a tricky task. As you learn and get older, you remember this support and it's like building your own mental thermostat. When you face tough situations later on, you can remember this experience and feel more secure and confident in handling them.

Here's another example: think of a baby who wakes up crying in the middle of the night. The person taking care of them responds with care and comfort – maybe by holding the baby, calming them down, or feeding them. This response helps the baby manage their feelings and feel safe and cozy again.

As the baby gets older and faces different emotions and situations, they learn from how the caregiver reacts. They start to realize that they can count on the caregiver for comfort and that their feelings matter. This knowledge becomes a part of their mental thermostat, helping them deal with future emotions better and ask for help when they need it.

Co-regulation is an ongoing thing where caregivers consistently react to a child's emotional needs, giving the right kind of support and understanding. As kids remember and understand these experiences, they build their own mental thermostat. This helps them handle their feelings and reactions as they grow up. With this foundation, they can handle challenges in life and build strong, healthy relationships with others.

So, let's rewind back to our baby days. As infants, we depended heavily on the adults around us to manage our basic needs – food, hygiene, and control of what we were exposed to in our environment. Imagine the comforting rhythm of a lullaby or the soothing warmth of a bath.

But here's the twist: we didn't just rely on them for physical needs. We also needed them to be attuned to our emotional needs, to recognize when our baby coos were giggles of joy or cries of distress. It was their job to soothe us and rock us back to emotional balance.

As we grow and tumble into the whirlwind of adolescence, the need for this dance of co-regulation doesn't vanish. In fact, during the teenage rollercoaster, with its ups, downs, twists, and turns, this co-regulation is even more crucial. It's the seatbelt that helps us navigate the heart-thumping drops and dizzying highs.

And why is this co-regulation so vital? Well, it sets the stage for how we handle our emotional Shakespearean drama throughout life. From the gut punch of heartbreak to the dizzying heights of joy, effective co-regulation equips us with the tools to face this emotional kaleidoscope head-on.

But here's the catch. Not everyone is lucky enough to receive this optimal emotional training during childhood. And sadly, as adults, there's often a 'you-should-know-this-already' expectation hanging in the air. Unlike children, who are lovingly seen as works in progress, adults are often expected to be finished masterpieces, fully capable of handling emotional hurdles.

Imagine you've never seen a bicycle before, let alone ridden one. But one day, you're handed a two-wheeler and everyone expects you to not just ride it smoothly, but also to execute some Tour de France level stunts. Sounds pretty wild, right? But that's often how we're expected to deal with our emotions as adults. But what if we didn't have the best lessons in emotional self-regulation while growing up?

Picture yourself in a stressful meeting at work. Your boss is grilling you about a missed deadline. Your heart is hammering, your palms are sweaty, and there's this anger bubbling up inside you. Now, society's rulebook says you can't blow your top. You can't let the anger volcano erupt. So, you're expected to know how to do the emotional equivalent of biting your tongue. And not just for appearances' sake, but also because it's good for your mental health and the relationship with your boss.

Or consider another scenario. You're at a social gathering and the crowd is making your anxiety skyrocket. You can't exactly go into full hermit mode, avoid everyone, and make a beeline for the door. You're supposed to know how to handle your rising anxiety, to tone it down to a more socially acceptable hum. Not only that, you should do this because it's healthier for you and helps maintain your social connections.

In essence, we're all expected to be emotional Houdinis. We're supposed to know how to escape from the handcuffs of anger, anxiety, and the whole emotional rogues' gallery in a way that's not just agreeable to society but also does wonders for our overall well-being and relationships. And all this, even if we didn't have a great emotional mentor in our early lives.

But here's the thing: just like you can learn to ride a bike as an adult, you can also learn emotional self-regulation at any age. It's never too late to pick up the skill of managing your emotions, regardless of the hand you were dealt in the beginning.